The moment I realized I would give up everything for you…that’s
the moment that I finally understood. Your soul and my soul? They were meant
for each other. That moment was also the moment I realized I had to do the one
thing that my entire existence screamed for me NOT to do. I had to
let you go.
I didn’t just let you go when I left. Physically, I suppose I
let you go long before that. Because I was afraid. I was afraid of you, and I
was afraid of me. ‘Cause, truthfully, when I say that I’d give up everything
for you, that includes the one thing that is supposed to be the most important
to me: my relationship with God. That was something that you and I couldn’t
agree on. And that’s the one thing that I really needed you to agree with me on. That’s the one thing that, I
finally decided, I couldn’t give up for you. I couldn’t give up my relationship
with Jesus for a relationship with you. This decision, I’m ashamed to admit,
took me several years to make. I loved you. I loved you more than I have ever
loved another man in my life, but in the end, I had to make the decision to
love Jesus more. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I had to put God before you. You
see, I could put you above myself. For my whole
life I could do it, but whenever I found myself thinking of you before I
thought of God, I knew I had to leave you. I had to leave you before it was too
late, before I left God instead.
Even though I left, and we will never be together again, I do
know this: you were made for me. In my whole life, I never felt more
comfortable with a man than I did with you. I could never completely be myself.
I never found myself wanting to openly give my feelings, to openly give of
myself, to someone. I never wanted to cook someone dinner, and I never thought
it would matter what they thought of
that dinner. I never wanted to spend every day with someone…until you.
Until I met you, I was afraid to show the silly, goofy side
of me. I was afraid to open up. It didn’t take long, though, for that fear to
vanish after meeting you. And I really felt in my heart that I could tell you
anything…and it would be okay. Well…I could tell you anything and
everything, except one secret that I had to keep: the secret of my feelings for
you. And you…you said the same to me on numerous occasions as well, that I was
your best friend, that you could talk to me about anything at all. I do believe
that you cared about me in some fashion or another. I never really verified
what your feelings really were. I tried a couple of times, to tell you the truth,
to find out how you felt, but every time I thought I’d worked up the nerve to
do so, something happened to keep me from doing it. I suppose it’s a good thing, huh? ‘Cause
those were all those times before I realized what a danger you were to my
spiritual health.
You…beautiful, passionate you. Even as you fed my soul, I was
starving for Christ. I was taking you in, when I should have been accepting him
instead. You, the nonbeliever…you believed in me. You cared about me, but above
everything and everyone else you cared about yourself. I could never ever
compete with how deeply you loved yourself. And God? God wasn’t able to compete
with how deeply you loved yourself either. I know that, had I held onto you,
had we become even closer, you would’ve used me and hurt me….over and over
again you would’ve hurt me. And over and over again I would’ve returned to you.
I would’ve returned to you with a smile on my face as you continued to feed my
spirit the junk food created by your doubt and narcissism.
Years from now, the fact that you were made for me will not
have changed. A part of my secret heart will still love you. A part of my soul
will still crave what you were able to feed it. Every day, I think of you. I
actively pull your face and the sound of your voice to the forefront of my
mind, if only for a second, so that I won’t forget your smile or the way you
laughed. The chance of ever seeing you again…it’s not there. I left you knowing
that I was leaving you on the other side of the world. I was leaving behind any
chance there might have been of being with the person whose soul so painfully,
perfectly matched my own.
But someday…someday, even though, I will always cherish and
love you, I will put that love on a shelf. The fact that I loved you, doesn’t
mean that I can’t love again. I believe that God will help me with this, and
with time, I’ll find another person whose soul matches mine. And this person?
This person will help me fill my soul with goodness and faith, love and Jesus.
I will be okay with this.
I have to be okay
with this.
